Passion Needs Refueling
Written by Sarah Burwick.
Finally I speak. My yoga blog sabbatical is over! After Tucker, my dog passed away in September my writing came to a halt. I withdrew from the world and I filled my yoga teaching calendar to keep me busy. I thought that teaching a lot would help me focus on other people and get myself out of my own head, but when I spoke in class my words were hollow. I soon became drained and my own practice fell short.
Life at home consisted of reading nutrition and healing books, becoming a vegan and scouring the web for great recipes. I bought a rebounder thinking if I bounce high enough or long enough I could shake loose from the sadness that filled my heart. On the days I couldn't face my mat (which were many) I would go to the kitchen and invent a new vegan recipe. I loved the whole experience; from the prep work of soaking beans, planning the grocery list, shopping, and even cleaning the food processor. Quickly I came to realize that making my vegan burgers stick together, adding too much chili powder in my chili, and biting into my chocolate pecan pie were all lessons in patience.
I suffered a hip injury around the time of Tuckers passing, which was no surprise to me. We store a lot of emotions in our hips. It lingered for months, making it hard some mornings to even stand up straight. This injury gave me one more excuse to shy away from my own mat. I went rock climbing, I visited family, I slept and slept and slept. Winter was filled with ups and downs. By mid February I felt depleted and wanted to quit teaching yoga completely. I took on fewer classes, changed my schedule, started teaching at a new studio and just kept breathing. Soon I began to become conscious of the fact that cooking, sleeping, bouncing and all the other things I did to get by were all yoga.
Today I decided to skip practice again but this time I went into my yoga room to do some yin yoga on my own. Yin is the hardest style for me because it's when I am still and quiet within that the monkey mind shows up. My physical body can easily take a challenge, but my mind (when confronted with this uncomfortable stillness) runs away like a little child. It will run, hide, duck, avoid, lie and cheat me if I let it. But today I will not. I sit in half pigeon for 5 minutes each side, frog for 10, then on to savasana. When I sat up I pulled my laptop over to my mat and began to write.
Finally I have some clarity and this is what it is:
You can not run from yourself, everywhere you go there you are. Your past is a small part of you but it's not all of you, so accept it with conviction and courage. Your practice never ends. Life is terminal, happiness is worth the fight and sometimes your passion needs refueling when you shine the world around you shines too.
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