Sex as Need

Written by Christopher Oliphant.

There are two basic thrusts of Sex as Need. In both cases sex is used to meet a deeper need. In the one case, sex says, "I love you." For some, sex is the only way love can be fully heard. Gifts, time and doing things for the other are all fine and appreciated, but to really hear, "I love you" only sex will do. The second expression of this is tied to self-esteem. The only value I have is my ability to give sex. They may be a mess, but when giving sex, they come into their own.

sexual play

Both forms of Sex as Need are good lovers. The first because, not deserving to be loved, must give back to their partner or they have just taken and that is too shameful. The second because the greater the pleasure of their partner, the greater the boost to the self-esteem.

Linked to these, is an underlying sense of shame. Neither type feel they have value or are worthy of being loved. This means that to ask for sex is simply too vulernable. For the one who needs sex to feel loved, it should be offered freely. If they are only loved when they ask, it doesn't feel like "real" love. The second type need to be desired and appreciated for their sexuality. To be desired is to have worth.

Sex as Need people do not want sex; they NEED it. Going without can cause severe tension and stress, building until sex happens, release and the cycle begins again. As is typical with human nature, Sex as Need folks are likely to hook up with a partner who has trouble connecting with their sexuality. This ensures their needs are not met.

If coupled with acceptance and communication, Sex as Need can deepen intimacy with true sharing of needs and using sexual need as a signal to go deeper and address the hidden issue. This can bring the couple closer together and often deepen the sexual experience. However, knowing the cause does not mean the need goes away. This will always be an aspect of their sexual expression.

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