101 Funny Quotes

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Spike Milligan

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.

Groucho Marx

laughing face

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

Josh Groban

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.

Robert McCloskey

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you.


I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Oscar Wilde

I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.

Oscar Wilde

Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.


I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.

Oscar Wilde

It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.

Oscar Wilde

I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes.

Oscar Wilde

You grow up the day you have your first real laugh -- at yourself.

Ethel Barrymore

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

Oscar Wilde

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.

Oscar Wilde

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.

Oscar Wilde

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Oscar Wilde

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Oscar Wilde

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.

Oscar Wilde

Life is one fool thing after another whereas love is two fool things after each other.

Oscar Wilde

Young men want to be faithful, and are not; old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

Oscar Wilde

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.


I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Winston Churchill

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.


There is a theory which states that if ever for any reason anyone discovers what exactly the Universe is for and why it is here it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another that states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.


I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

Janeane Garofalo

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

Tommy Cooper

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Mae West

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect

Benny Hill

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.


Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

Victor Borge

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Oscar Wilde

I speak two languages, Body and English.

Mae West

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans

John Lennon

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Jack Handey

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself

Mark Twain

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Helen Rowland

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

George Gobal

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

Agatha Christie

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

Tom Snyder

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart.

Melanie Griffith

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Mark Twain

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.


Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!


The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.


Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.


The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Robert Bloch

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...

Louis Hector Berlioz

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Mark Twain

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Philips

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said no.

Woody Allen

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials.

Ronald Knox

A hard man is good to find.

Mae West

A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.

Mae West

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man in the house is worth two in the street.

Mae West

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Groucho Marx

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.

Sam Goldwyn

A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.

W.C. Fields

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

Rudyard Kipling

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.


Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

George Burns

All animals are equal but some are more equal than others.

George Orwell

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

Alexander Woollcott

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

Oscar Wilde

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Mark Twain

Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.

Winston Churchill

Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Mark Twain

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

Mae West

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Woody Allen

Another such victory, and we are undone.


Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

Mae West

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Woody Allen

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.

Oliver Goldsmith

Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them.

David Brent

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Woody Allen

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Mae West

Biologically speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

Desmond Morris

But a lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.

George Bernard Shaw

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Henny Youngman

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Mark Twain

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Woody Allen

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

Woody Allen

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Joan Rivers

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Charles D. Warner

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

Woody Allen

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

Mae West

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.

Ralph Bus

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Mark Twain

I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more regular than that.


If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Woody Allen

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.

Rita Rudner

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Rita Rudner

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Rita Rudner

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

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