Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs
Written by Andrea Vawda.
I have always (with some ambivalence) looked for signs in things to help guide and comfort me. I say with ambivalence- because even as I look for them and read into them I feel it silly, and yet still do it:). Like for instance when I first got my licence plate for my car like 8 years ago, the first three letters , well the first two were my initials- or well they would soon be once I did the marriage thing..... The thing I always thought about was the third letter- I naturally assumed I would be married again.... even before I got married the first time- yikes that's depressing! I figured- That's life. So I still, like a bad habit consciously ponder a first date's last name initial to determine feasibility of compatibility even before we go out.....
As of late I have yet to meet someone with the last initial to match. Anyway, beyond that simple neuroses- I have this infallible connection to songs- and there is this one that has been a constant in time of need (I know it's pathetic). Recently this song has come up- First when I sang it at karaoke... then while I was going through the whole "Why doesn't this much younger guy see how great my old ass is?" this song began to follow me. Yah okay it's not on the top forty rotation- so it wasn't as easy to write off.... I mean it literally would just show up when I needed it. The day after I threw myself on the man much younger than me- after luring him into my den under the pretences of crashing on my couch.
I was contemplating my dignity and opened up the newspaper to that very band- performing live the following week... What does that mean? in terms of my situation? I thought -OMG I am in line with my destiny:) (hey they're my signs- I can make stuff up and be as far reaching as I wish!!!) So now that Oasis had condoned this May- November (is that the term?) romance- All that was left was to convince my lovely younger man Hell if I can get a British band on side, how hard would a nerdyesque young demi-god be? And can I please emphasize the demi-god potential here? I was like cellulite in this boy's (okay legally a man... but still) in this boy's hands. But seriously- I'm quick on my feet- and having been heralded the female "Rodney Dangerfield" (think sarcasm- not double chins) I can handle anyone who can bring it. But this DG (demi-god) had so already brought'n it! I mean he could stop me dead in my tracks- verbally and physically with his sharp intellect. And he said I made him nervous!!! Okay I'm totally digressing.
So Oasis has pretty much come out and said that this relationship and connected is predestined, Then DG agrees to install a new stereo in my car (yah he's handy and geeky.... sigh). I get into my car that day, turn on the radio- can you guess- yup ! good old' Wonderwall serenading me- I'm super sure now that this whole stereo thing is gonna be an epic experience. (except at this point he has already "dumped me as potential dream cougar" and re-entered stage left as solid friend). But remember I am just happy to share company with the guy- hmm I've gotten a little soft in my 30s (physically as well as emotionally!)! So we take like 8 hours to attempt an installation only to find that the adapter thingy is for another car model and we've basically been making puppies all day. So what?, I think dreamily- that's eight more hours of heart and tummy flutters:)
That night after much vodka (read two glasses) I am in his car pouring out my heart to him in the most pathetically awkward way (in my head I'm like girl get some GAME!) He is sweet and is pretending to listen. I get to the part where I explain that the reason I had been excessively texting him while he was away filming for the past two weeks is because I was trying to ease myself and him of the uncomfortable moment we shared two weeks prior in my bed- when just before Demi-god made me a woman for the first time this year, he has a moment of clarity or straight fear- and cannot do what he has set out to do (physical impossibility if you will) . The best part is that he tells me it's a compliment to me... Now remember I have got a few years on him and I know that what he really means is, "uh-oh- I'm not really attracted to you the way I may have thought and the lack of attraction has now gone and physically manifested itself here in my crotch." And though I should cry- cuz the 2 guys before him bore a striking resemblance.
Man#1 freaked out when I tried to help him put a condom on properly, said I had put his penis under too much scrutiny and dumped me the next week. I'm like hey - I'm not an expert- but when it appears to me that you think you are on the putting green, when we are actually in my bedroom and the act of putting on a condom takes two hands stretching the opening of the condom over your penis like you were putting a golf club cozy on your irons- umm I have a right to roll over flick the light on and give your actions further inspection. 6 months later- Man #2 after learning that I had previously taught Sex ed (so yes I guess a bit of an expert)- but that I'm not a street walker or a pole dancer decided to tell me in the throws of passion that I am too innocent and pure for him to "beep" me... I'm like "call it making love then!" and he disappears into the night... So excuse me if now Demi-god is telling me that he can't have sex with me and I should take it as a compliment. Wow- it's been compliments all year I think..... Can't a girl get an insult up in here before I shrivel up?
So I talk a big game.... I was devastated- and sitting in his car- want him to know everything I'm thinking, but of course I don't. Instead I stumble out of the car and apologize later.
Last week I'm at the swimming pool and as I walk on deck, what should come blaring over the speakers- YUP!!!! I heard it and I swooned- like Oasis was giving me a group hug saying all the world is back in harmonious balance. 5 minutes later- there it is again..... 5 minutes after that- again. What the eff?- who is ridiculing my SIGN??? It was on a rotation loop- and though my logic would say- get over it.... the dreamer in me sighs.... and I think to myself- What a great SIGN:)
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